Okay, I am going to try and make this post short and sweet as I am very tired, and it is 10:17 p.m. as I am just starting this post, and I am pretty sure that Annabelle will be awake by 7:15 a.m. tomorrow morning.
So, today was the longest amount of time that I have actually spent away from my daughter since she was born. In order to keep my license active, I am required to obtain so much Continuing Education every year, and 8 hours of this "CPE" has to be in Accounting & Auditing, also known as A&A. Well, the firm that I work for part-time hosts this annually, and everyone in the firm attends so that everyone can knock out their 8 hours of A&A in one day.
The subject matter is absolutely torturous and very, very boring! And, this time, the speaker pretty much read from his PowerPoint presentation the entire time.
Well, every time I go to a work event, no matter how boring (obviously), I really start to miss my previous life BA (before Annabelle). The firm is growing so fast that there are so many new faces, and then when I meet some of the new people, they will ask which department I work in. Of course, I am always stumped for an answer because I feel the need to explain that I only work from home and this is why they've never even met me even though I've been working with the firm for 8+ years (minus the 1.5 years we were in TN, so that makes 6.5+ years).
I feel like a pee-on once again, and I am actually somewhat envious of some of the people in my department who are moving up in the ranks and making great impressions on the partners. I am jealous because it isn't me, and I am no longer an integral piece of what is making the firm so successful. I used to be the "Superstar," but I am no longer privy to that title as I only work 10-20 hours per month!
But, I, instead, am staying home with my daughter and, as a result, putting my career on complete hold. I never thought this would bother me (before Annabelle was born and even before I got pregnant), but it truly does leave a pit in my stomach.
I often wonder... Am I making the right decision staying home with Annabelle? Would I not be as good of a mother if I worked more than I do now? Would I maybe be a better mother if I worked full-time or even more part-time?
Sometimes I feel that some of the other women are looking at me and thinking, "Well, that must be nice. She gets to work when she feels like it." And, don't get me wrong, I do have the ideal situation. I can work my own schedule around my toddler's schedule and still pull in a little extra income to help us take those much enjoyed vacations. Little do they know that staying at home is really a very demanding and exhausting job. Finding the time to actually "work" for pay is very difficult. And when I do find the time in the evenings after Annabelle has gone to sleep, I am exhausted, and instead, I'd rather use my time either blogging, reading a good book or scrapping (well, hopefully one day I'll scrap). Of course, I am pretty exhausted right now after being at work for the seminar and firm meeting after the seminar (all lasting from 8:15 this morning until 7:10 this evening). And, then, I didn't get home until 7:30 p.m. or so.
So, "To Work, or Not To Work: That is the Question." I need some encouraging words as I am being selfish again, and I feel that I am missing out on my own personal career growth.
My husband told me (after I mentioned to him that I no longer felt like the "Superstar"): "Did you see Annabelle's eyes light up when you got home this evening? You are a Superstar to her." Of course, my response was that he works full-time, and her eyes light up when he gets home from work. He couldn't argue with me on that one.
I guess all I really need is to be a "Superstar" in her eyes though, but I know that 10 or 11 years from now, she is not going to see me as a "Superstar" and she probably won't see me as a "Superstar" again from that age until she has a child of her own.
2 years ago
3 comments:
I can *TOTALLY* understand how you feel! I had to quit a somewhat less prestigious job (restaurant manager) when I had Annabelle. It wasn't a glamorous job, but like you, I was in a top position when I quit. I was in charge of all but one other person in that restaurant and I made pretty good money. Now I stay and work from home, doing what I actually went to college for! I have a much better work schedule, but make far less money than I did at the restaurant. It's discouraging, but I totally feel, deep down in my heart, that I am doing what God wants me to do and I am *SO* blessed to be able to do spend so much time with my baby! You are also doing a great thing with (your) Annabelle.....nobody else could ever love and provide for her like you can.......and there is nobody else that Annabelle would rather be with than her doting mommy! Your daily rituals with her will have a huge impact on her one day....so don't give up now! It is a very rare thing to see fantastic and life-changing results overnight. Fight the good fight.....you will come out a winner, I guarantee it! :-)
This is a poem I have admired for years. There are several variations of it, and the author is unknown. Nevertheless, I hope it encourages you:
I hope that my child, looking back on today,
remembers a mother who had time to play.
Children grow up when you're not looking,
there'll be plenty of time for cleaning and cooking.
Washing and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow
for babies grow up as we learned to our sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! It is really hard to give up something that pays well and that you enjoy. I don't know that I would refer to my job as "prestigious," but I did enjoy what I did even though on many days I wondered why I even chose the profession (due to the long hours and "busy season." I just keep trying to tell myself that "the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side." And, truthfully, I really do LOVE being at home with Annabelle. I think I just miss that instant gratification I received. Here I am being envious of others, and if they have children and work full-time, they probably wish they could spend more time at home with their little one too.
By the way, being a Restaurant Manager is hard work (as I am sure you know)! :) I had several restaurant clients where the clients actually worked in the restaurants as managers too. I've always thought that the restaurant business is a tough business to be in...having to deal with high employee turnover (with the younger ones) and the grumpy customers! I am sure you have some interesting stories.
I love that poem too. My mom actually recited that poem to me when Annabelle was younger. Maybe I should print out a copy and hang it up on Annabelle's door so I can read it everyday. It is definitely a great reminder of what is important! I think my mom took the poem to heart because I always remember her spending time with us...I actually wanted her to go back to work when I was about 11or 12, but that was obviously related to my age, and now, I am so glad that she stayed home with my brother and me. I think we turned out alright! :)
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